Love is a triangle... How I found myself in a love triangle

I guess it was in that moment when I saw her eyes swell in tears, that I should have known, the last person I needed to tell me to walk away.

I will never forget the day I first saw your face, there was an intense mystery to your aura that I naturally became drawn to. Being the curious mind I have always been, I sought you out. You were everywhere I went, with everyone I knew and finally seemed to catch my feelings when I reconsidered my interest. I think it was the moment you touched my arm and the mystery of you intensified. Sometimes it all feels like a blur from that moment, like we held hands and dived into an infinite whole. "We are intertwined", I would always say.

Needless to say from the gravity of us meeting was a whirlwind of an experience, with peaks of us sitting in the park in 5-6 hour conversations way past curfew, and the lows of tear-soaked pillows on nights I knew I couldn't speak to my love. I was 15 when you asked me if I was sure, if I would be there through it all and I allowed my walls to fall. It was a teenage love affair, they always warn us about the first love (Queue Avant ft. Keke Wyatt - My First Love).

We sat across the room from one another when she said her name, funny that she knew I knew.

The subject didn't last too long, but her eyes grew teary. My heart sunk into itself, realising that I wandered carelessly believing that you had my heart, when you actually gave it back. In my 20's you proposed and caught me sleeping, while you were creeping (Queue Childish Gambino - Red Bone).

You told me our love was "the kind you only get once in a lifetime" and I question now if you lied, or made a choice against love. I could count more memories than stars, but sitting here under the full moon I can finally see what life without you could be and it doesn’t terrify me.

When I reflect on it today, and I guess I get it. I missed all the red flags.

It was funny when you checked me for feeling too deeply, seeming oblivious to the fact that we were there together in that moment, because I loved you too deeply. I let my walls fall, blindly followed and fell-in-love. I forgot about me in the journey, forgetting what I loved about myself and the girl I was before you. I fell so deep in love that I couldn't see past the life we created for ourselves in the stars. We found ourselves sunken in a world of curious mystery and I held on to only you. Entwined we were, young and naive to where we would be today.

Making peace with this loss is a challenge - is it half or double the time you need to get over an ex?

People say the opposite of love is hate, that when I am in complete awe of you the worst thing that could happen is wishing harm your way. On the other end, there will be people that cannot stand your presence and will make the effort to keep up with your movements - which is an investment in time and energy. Alternatively, I propose there are three dimensions to humans' responses to one another. The third dimension being indifference - lack of interest, concern, or sympathy.

I am going through the process of closure and finding my place between love, hate and being indifferent. Knowing where I need to get while giving in to the process, and time is a variable I cannot ignore.

#heartbreak #love #cheating #LoveHairLiveLife